Dagger of Awesomelookingness
Aw yeah, son, this dagger is fucking AWESOME. It just looks totally awesome. I mean, you've seen Crocodile Dundee, right? When he pulls out his knife and says, "That's a knife," and cuts the shit out of that kid's Michael Jackson coat? Well, that's pussy ass compared to this. I can't even explain to you how awesome this dagger is. First of all, it's shaped like a dong. Okay, okay, you think that's sorta gay, don't you...would you think it was gay if the tip was sharp enough to cut the balls off a gnat? Hell no you wouldn't. That would be insanely sharp because I don't think gnats even HAVE balls, and if they do they're microscopic. So yeah, this dong-shaped dagger is so insanely sharp it can CUT MOLECULES IN HALF. Not atoms, no, because that might result in massive explosions and shit, but MOLECULES, hell yeah. That's fucking sweet, right? And it's golden. Not made of gold, that's soft as fuck, but golden alloy mixed with...titanium...yeah, titanium/gold alloy, so not only does it look AWESOME it is HARD AS FUCK! Wolverine wishes his shitty "adamantium" skeleton was this hard because that's some stupid comic book shit but this dagger, son, oh THIS DAGGER is the REAL DEAL. MADE WITH SCIENCE. What else. Oh yeah, jewels...well the "jewels" are in fact the jewels. No, I'm not kidding. They're massive rubies worth a fuckload. The whole shaft has emeralds embedded in the sides like some sort of cockring, just in case you know...wanted to use it or something. BUT DON'T BECAUSE THAT SHIT IS INSANELY SHARP AND WILL FUCK YOU UP. So yeah the jewels are badass, and give all sorts of powers. You can stab a motherfucker for 3d4 damage twice a fucking round, son. TWICE! Can you believe this shit? And when you stab them, they best start praying 'cause they have to Save vs. POISON or become ILL and become a lameass BUSTER. I guess this doesn't mean anything in game terms, but on the streets, people will hide their eyes in SHAME for even looking in their general direction. That's right, THEY ARE SHUNNED. If you don't wanna cut someone up, which is stupid because this dagger is INSANE, it'll shoot ACID out of the tip. I know what you're thinking: you cannot get pregnant with this dagger. SO NO WORRIES. The acid does...fuck, hell if I know...like 4d6 damage to any fool caught in front of you, say a 30 degree cone, 40' long? YEAH I KNOW JUST LIKE A DRAGON! But shorter range. So anyway, isn't this fucking dagger kickass?
Rastan Sword of Greatness
I know it sucks to be the fighter sometimes. I do. But look, you get your hands on this shit...you won't need a fucking bow anymore. Hell no. This shit is real and it is here to fuck up your enemies. So, it looks like a longsword I guess, but cooler. Like in Conan. The first movie. You can cut through FUCKING STONE with this thing because it's THAT GODDAMN SHARP. Yep. Stone. Iron. Anything you can swing at, this will cut. No problems. So basically, that means if you swing this sword against anyone, they might as well be wearing pink bunny pajamas because their EXPENSIVE ARMOR HAS NO EFFECT! HAHA MAN LOOK AT THEIR FACES NOW! Well, magic armor works...because it's magic. Sorry about that, I don't make the rules, but NON-MAGICAL ARMOR? FUCK NO! And this ain't no pushover sword, nosiree. It does 1d10 damage every time you swing this sonofabitch. Plus, uh...5. Yeah, plus 5 points of damage. But it's only a...no, fuck it, it's a +5 sword. There you go. +5 sword that can cut through anything and shoots fireballs. I ALMOST FORGOT: THE FIREBALLS! Yeah, every time you swing it a FIREBALL SHOOTS OUT! 2d6 more damage! And the range is INSANE, like 100'! So yeah, fuck a bow. Use this instead.
Axe of *waaaaaaaweledededlledleldlemeeemememememeeeeeee* Orcus
Don't bitch about the name, complain to Orcus about that one. That's what I thought...so anyway, this fucking AXE is EPIC. It can play songs like a lute (hey, pseudo-medieval even though we all know it's a guitar...look, don't destroy the illusion of being submersed in a fantasy reality, okay?). If you're a BARD this is AWESOME because all your songs have TRIPLE EFFECT. Those other pieces of crap in the DMG? WORTHLESS. THIS is what you want to play. So yeah, you can play different tunes. Anything you can imagine. AS LONG AS IT'S METAL. If you play some pansyass shit, well, you die. Instantly. No saving throw. Sorry. But if it's METAL, well, you ENTHRALL whoever is around. That's right, they all watch in amazement and BECOME YOUR SLAVES. At least the chicks do. The dudes, too, I guess, if you're into that. How about this: THE PLAYER DECIDES WHO IS AFFECTED. That works. So yeah you basically Charm them in game terms if you want to be nerdy about it. I suppose they should get a saving throw or something, but at like -5 ON THE ROLL! Because it's just THAT BADASS. Oh another thing, you can CREATE ANY SPELL EFFECT if you happen to know the right (METAL) song. But you know what? Hit a bad note...BANISHED TO HELL FOR ETERNITY! All I can say is, don't fuck up!