Wednesday, April 27, 2011


Or in certain circles, parlance for being drunk off your ass. As I am now. Actually, I suppose this could simply be the worst hangover I've ever experienced in my life, but I'm still not sober so it's hard to say. But, in the name of science, I abused alcohol to bring this post to you. I didn't plan it that way, it just happened; hopefully you appreciate my sacrifice. Before I delve into the true purpose of this post, what is it about me that attracts the fatties at 1AM on a Tuesday night? Why do they feel the need to openly express their interest when all I want to do is pound some shots of Jamesons? One girl of Rubenesque proportions went out of her way to make me try her shitty Jamesons substitute which I promptly dismissed as unacceptable. Thankfully, some guys drunker than I jumped on that grenade which allowed me to drink in peace and strive for my nirvana of passing out on my buddy's couch while attempting to discuss 80s/early 90s wrestling gimmicks. He didn't remember the Fake Razor Ramon, which is possibly on purpose due to his being a major Scott Hall fan. I guess some people just blot out parts of their childhood which are intensely stupid in all ways. Getting back to the fatties, I was once asked for my "ideal female body type", but my answer was met with much derision. Why ask if you simply want me to say "yours, of course"? I'm not so ignorant to completely miss the point of that question, but sorry, fat girls, a drunk me is not the person to ask anything of unless you want a direct, somewhat salacious reply. And the answer is Keira Knightley if you're wondering; flat-chested brunettes are simply at the top of my list and she exemplifies this type. In the immortal words of the Sex Pistols, never mind the bullocks, let's get on with this crap...

So, you're running a game, perhaps D&D (I almost always use D&D examples, which is fine because I like D&D, but maybe I should use something else at some point). Okay, after typing out that parenthetical statement, I decided to use BRP as my basis. So you're running BRP and one of the players says he wants his character to get drunk. In my years of gaming, I've noticed that it's far more fun for me to actually get drunk than have my character do that simply because that's something I can easily do in real life, unlike killing orcs with a club. I remember not that long ago playing in a campaign with a variety of people, one of which was a fatty who started sending me emails, hitting on me. See? That intro stuff was relevant. Anyway, she expressed her displeasure of drinking one session which of course led me to show up drunk to the next one, pounding a 6-pack of Miller High Life during the game. The emails became less frequent, problem solved. Fuck, I need to stop doing a Finnegan's Wake revival here and get to the point. OKAY SO, character drunk. If you've ever consumed far too much alcohol (which is honestly fun from time to time) you know the repercussions can be disastrous, depending on the circumstances. They're also generally hilarious if it happens to someone else. I know you don't care but I only drank so much last night because I did an insaneo workout at the gym and my traps were on fire so I needed to quench the flames of CNS and muscle discomfort with the soothing hand of my mistress Martini with a Twist. Yes, I do like gin quite a bit, and it's funny to see the looks I get rolling into a somewhat decent place dressed like a hobo, imbibing a drink prepared for a true gent. Then I hit the shots. I'm around 1/4 Irish, but I seriously am channeling Joyce right now with this nonsense. Character drunk. Roll on table below to see what happens. There we go...

D12 because I like the D12 and it gets no love:
  1. Wake up in alley, covered in vomit, presumably yours. (You can't dust for vomit)
  2. Strip naked at some point. Clothing is forever lost.
  3. Shit pants, smell lingers for days.
  4. Awake to the sounds of obese woman cooking breakfast whilst in her bed.
  5. Face has new and interesting doodles.
  6. Decide to get into a fight with professional MMA fighter. Hospital..?
  7. Overnight jail stint, replete with attempted rape.
  8. Pass out on couch at 9PM, miss stuff everyone else discusses for years.
  9. End up at ex-girlfriend's house. 50% chance of sleeping with her.
  10. Four hour argument over trivial minutiae resulting in fist fight.
  11. Try to contact everyone you know, especially women you shouldn't.
  12. Discover random, inexplicable injuries.


  1. I personally have rolled 1, 2, 4, 6, 9, 10, 11, and 12. I could also add a few amusing results if you wanted to expand it to a d20 table (or d30 maybe). I don't really drink much anymore, so all my old drinking stories have become more amusing with time.

  2. All I have for you are the comforting words of Black Flag:
    "I was so wasted. I was a hippie. I was a burnout. I was a dropout I was out of my head. I was a surfer. I had a skateboard. I was so heavy, man, I lived on the strand. I was so wasted I was so fucked up I was so messed up I was so screwed up I was out of my head. I was so jacked up. I was so drunk up. I was so knocked out, I was out of my head. I was so wasted. I was wasted."

  3. One of my favorite posts of the week! Keep it up! The writing, that is. Well, no. The drinking, too I suppose. Anyway. Cheers. I hope you don't find my IPA too inadequate...